timeless2

Haven't heard that one before.

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natronathon

hahaha

__________________
Nathan
LS1 Camaro Owner (No Mullett)

tx3nc

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had t stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

timeless2

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Stinky

Stole this one...

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....
Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

__________________

Faaip de Oiad

__________________
The Life of Reilly

timeless2

I see instances of this person every day.

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madmatt

+1 Great jokes BTW.

__________________

Mach1Run

Only a Texan could think of this....from the County where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.



Recently, a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes, as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry, summer night.) He flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes, as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "Ill have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

__________________
Jon


433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD)
CLICK for Kate's Story
Click to Listen

• Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX.
  

My 2007 GT

Stinky

Man that's a good idea.

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timeless2

That's a classic one as well.

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tx3nc

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************** ************! **! ************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hi ts a 727?"

************************************************** **************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************** **************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
! United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."



************************************************** ************************************************** **

A student be came lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" !
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************** *** ************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** ************************************************** **

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



************************************************** ! **! *************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of d ead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************** ************************************************** ****

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." !

************************************************** ************************************************** ***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: < /B>"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************************************************** ************************************************** **

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air cr ew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, a nd I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

timeless2

Suddenly, trains look so much better.

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madmatt

LMAO @ the exwife joke in the airplane. Those are hilarious.

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timeless2

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

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Meghan

that made my day...

__________________
Meghan
Life is like a dick; when it gets hard Fuck It.

tx3nc

Are Kids Quick (or just smart asses?)
>
> -----
> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
>
> MARIA: Here it is.
>
> TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
>
> CLASS: Maria.
> ____________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
> floor?
>
> JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
> __________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>
> GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
>
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>
> GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
> ____________________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
>
> DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
>
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>
> DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
>
> __________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
> didn't have ten years ago.
>
> WINNIE: Me!
>
> __________________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
>
> GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
> _______________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>
> MILLIE: I is...
>
> TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
>
> MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
> alphabet."
>
> _________________________________
>
> TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
> cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
> father didn't punish him?
>
> LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
>
> ______________________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
> eating?
>
> SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
>
> ______________________________
>
>
> TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same
> as your brother's. Did you copy his?
>
> CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
>
> ___________________________________
>
> TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
> when people are no longer interested?
>
> HAROLD: A teacher.
>

timeless2

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cleric

fix.t

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stang_lover69

thought this was cute...

PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10 Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!

__________________
The Dond


(\__/) This is bunny. Copy and paste bunny
(='.'=) into your signature to help him gain
(")_(") world domination.

tx3nc

The doctor said, Ken, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Ken was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Ken laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Ken tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Ken admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Ken thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Ken and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Ken was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Ken tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Ken walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Ken thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Ken 's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Ken laughed "Ah! ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = $400

New shirt = $36

New underwear = $6

Second opinion: PRICELESS

************************************************** ********

Three guys are stnading at the gates of heaven. St Peter says to them that heaven is full and that instead of the usual run of th emill letting the most faithful person in, he was going to let in the person who had the most gruesome death. So he asks the first guy "How did you die?"
"Well I suspected my wife of cheating on me. Instead of going to work one day I left and came back in an hour and sure enough there was a car in my parking spot and some guy hanging off of my balcony. I ran up to my apartment and went out onto the balcony and stomped on the guys fingers till he fell. Then he landed in the bushes below and I thought he would live so I went into my apt, and pushed the fridge out onto the balcony and off the rail onto him. After that I felt so bad about everything that I lost the will to live and stabbed myself in the heart."

"Wow, that's pretty bad," said St. Peter "how about you?"

They next guy responds:
"Well I was putting together a weight set on my 4th floor balcony and when I picked up a weight it threw me off balance and I went toppling over the rail. I thought I wa a gonner for sure but I was able to grab onto the balcony below me. The next thing I know there is this guy stomping on my fingers. I had no chice but to let go, and luckily I landed in some bushes below that padded my fall. As I was about to get up I look above me and I see this refirgerator falling."

St. Peter kind of cringes and looks to the third guy whose response was:
"Picture this: You're naked and in a fridge."


************************************************8

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists: a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

" Slowly across the desert sand,

Trekked a lonely caravan,

Men on camels two by two,

Destination - Timbuktu."



The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that they thought.

But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a hunting' went,

Met three whores in a pop-up tent,

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one,

And Timbuktu."

The old aboriginal won.

************************************************** ****

This lady is giving birth in the hospital and the doctor delivers the newborn, cuts the embilical cord, and then throws the baby against the wall. The mother mother and father start freaking out when the doctor picks up the baby by its leg and slams it against the wall again. Then, he picks up what's left of the baby, smiles at the devistated parents, and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was already dead."


************************************************** **88


It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.

"Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement;

"Would the MAN on the LADIES' tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:

"WOULD THE MAN ON THE LADIES' TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back...

"WOULD THE A$$HOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!"

************************************************** ****


A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said "Shit, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch
his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.
"Shit, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with
you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that."

On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. "Shit, I
missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks...











And from the sky comes a booming voice ....... "Shit, I missed."

************************************************

timeless2

2nd opinion ftw.

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natronathon

haha... i like the dead baby one! lol

__________________
Nathan
LS1 Camaro Owner (No Mullett)

BlackArtemis

Did you hear about the new Emo grass?




It cuts itself.

__________________

timeless2

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