Couple jokes to share - Page 16

**timeless2** · 07-28-2006, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greensix

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy was going to have to stagger out the door!

Haven't heard this one before...where is it from?

Or does a good magician never reveal his trickery?

Mach1Run · 07-28-2006, 11:54 AM

It was either another fw: or I pulled it from the dfwstangs board, not sure.

**madmatt** · 07-28-2006, 11:59 AM

One for Tim:

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about
using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Danre · 07-28-2006, 12:01 PM

**timeless2** · 07-28-2006, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madmatt

One for Tim:

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about
using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one and before we
leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

Nice...

Mach1Run · 07-30-2006, 05:59 PM

http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...rty20Joke1.flv

----------

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

------------------

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all
the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
__________________

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!".

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no bloody way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

----------------

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other
day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws
you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and
US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the
Marines!

**timeless2** · 07-30-2006, 06:05 PM

Dude, you earn that CT.

Hope you like it.

Danre · 07-30-2006, 06:10 PM

lol at ct

**madmatt** · 07-30-2006, 08:27 PM

LMAO @ the Marine. That is awesome. Why cant I be witty like that...oh wait, cause ID get my ass kicked...

natronathon · 07-30-2006, 09:02 PM

the flour one cracks me up... so does the france one...

**madmatt** · 08-01-2006, 11:44 AM

A couple from Texas and a couple from the east coast were seated side by
side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where y'all from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they
know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

**timeless2** · 08-01-2006, 11:53 AM

Faaip de Oiad · 08-01-2006, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Court Jester

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

I got a big kick out of this one. LOL

Mach1Run · 08-04-2006, 06:34 AM

The Excedrin Penis: Its tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The Life Call Penis: Its fallen and it cant get up.
The American Express Penis: Dont leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?
The M&M Penis: It melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious.
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going and going.
The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Campbell's Soup Penis: Mmm, Mmm good.
The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
The McDonalds Penis: Over 8 billion served.
The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Cobain Penis: It blows itself away.
The All State Penis: Youre in good hands.
The 7-Up Penis: The UN-penis.
The Barqs Penis: The one with bite.
The Beef Penis: Its whats for dinner.
The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.
The Transformers Penis: Its more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.
The Sega Penis: PENIS
The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.
The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin.
The Burger King Penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper.
The Flintstones Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing.
The Wendys Penis: Wheres the beef?
The Lays Penis: Betcha cant eat just one.
The Matthew Sweet Penis: 100% fun.
The Little Caesars Penis: Penis Penis
The Mortal Combat Penis: Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Street Fighter II Penis: Matt, stop, youre too good at this.
The Dominos Pizza Penis: delivers in 30 min. or less.
The Monty Python Penis: Isnt it awfully nice to have a penis?
The Monty Python Penis II: Every sperm is sacred....
The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?
The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time.
The Charmin Penis: Dont squeeze the penis
The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The Oasis Penis: Thinks its the Beatles penis.
The Windows 95Penis: If you ask it to do too much, itll crash.
The Virginia Slims Penis: Youve come a long way, baby.
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop.
The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts
The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin.
The Reeses Penis: How do you eat your penis?
The Beavis Penis: Look It's changing color
The Sustecal Penis : More protein, less fat
The Downey Penis: Come on Downey.
The Just For Men Penis: A sure thing for a natural look?
The Milk Penis: It does a body good
The Taco Bell Penis: It runs for the border.
The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis: It's the adult thing to do?
The AOL Penis: Its so easy to use, no wonder its #1?
The Pontiac Penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps
The Psychic Penis: It knows you are coming before you do.
__________________

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed e ven more. She
pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
__________________

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing.

This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."
-------------------------

Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?
A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
------------
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
--------------
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
__________________

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

**madmatt** · 08-04-2006, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greensix

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

A good life lesson in this one...

Danre · 08-04-2006, 07:15 AM

lol at the penis-es

FallenPhoenix · 08-04-2006, 08:35 AM

Quote:

The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.

that is soooo wrong

**timeless2** · 08-04-2006, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallenPhoenix

that is soooo wrong

Shit, I missed that one....

where are you?

tx3nc · 08-10-2006, 06:29 AM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

**madmatt** · 08-10-2006, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tx3nc

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

**timeless2** · 08-10-2006, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tx3nc

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.

Classic.

Mach1Run · 08-11-2006, 04:46 AM

Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweet heart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all them cunt-ass bitches."
---------------------------------

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
__________________

**madmatt** · 08-11-2006, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greensix

Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweet heart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all them cunt-ass bitches."
---------------------------------

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
__________________

@ the Texan.

**timeless2** · 08-11-2006, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greensix

Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held their hands except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweet heart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all them cunt-ass bitches."
---------------------------------

Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.”
The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.”
The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
__________________

tx3nc · 08-11-2006, 10:06 AM

White House Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from Florida, another from Kentucky, and the third from DC. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $9,000.: $4,000. for materials, $4,000. for my crew and $1,000. profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.: $3,000. for materials, $3,000. for my crew and $1,000. profit for me."

The DC contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the guy from DC explains, "$10,000. for you, $10,000. for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

07-28-2006, 11:54 AM	#377
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	It was either another fw: or I pulled it from the dfwstangs board, not sure. __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

07-30-2006, 05:59 PM	#381
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	http://s25.photobucket.com/albums/c6...rty20Joke1.flv ---------- While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant. ------------------ A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River." __________________ Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!". "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no bloody way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners." ---------------- Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines! __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

07-30-2006, 06:05 PM	#382
timeless2 Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the Shadow Gallery Posts: 32,050	Dude, you earn that CT. Hope you like it. __________________ Ford Mustang \| MagnaFlow Exhaust \| Mustang Apparel \| Toy Reviews & Recalls

07-30-2006, 06:10 PM	#383
Danre ahhh, I'm me again Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joo Ez Aay Posts: 14,434	lol at ct __________________

07-30-2006, 09:02 PM	#385
natronathon Legendary Veteran Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Wichita, KS Posts: 1,888	the flour one cracks me up... so does the france one... __________________ Nathan LS1 Camaro Owner (No Mullett)

07-28-2006, 12:01 PM	#379
Danre ahhh, I'm me again Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joo Ez Aay Posts: 14,434	__________________

08-01-2006, 11:53 AM	#387
timeless2 Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the Shadow Gallery Posts: 32,050	__________________ Ford Mustang \| MagnaFlow Exhaust \| Mustang Apparel \| Toy Reviews & Recalls

08-04-2006, 06:34 AM	#389
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	The Excedrin Penis: Its tthhhhiiiiiiissss big. The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you. The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart. The Life Call Penis: Its fallen and it cant get up. The American Express Penis: Dont leave home without it. The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...? The M&M Penis: It melts in your mouth, not in your hand. The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious. The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going and going. The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized. The Campbell's Soup Penis: Mmm, Mmm good. The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved. The McDonalds Penis: Over 8 billion served. The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis? The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest. The Cobain Penis: It blows itself away. The All State Penis: Youre in good hands. The 7-Up Penis: The UN-penis. The Barqs Penis: The one with bite. The Beef Penis: Its whats for dinner. The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling. The Transformers Penis: Its more than meets the eye. The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy. The Sega Penis: PENIS The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose. The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin. The Burger King Penis: It takes two hands to handle a whopper. The Flintstones Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing. The Wendys Penis: Wheres the beef? The Lays Penis: Betcha cant eat just one. The Matthew Sweet Penis: 100% fun. The Little Caesars Penis: Penis Penis The Mortal Combat Penis: Nothing can prepare you. The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper. The Street Fighter II Penis: Matt, stop, youre too good at this. The Dominos Pizza Penis: delivers in 30 min. or less. The Monty Python Penis: Isnt it awfully nice to have a penis? The Monty Python Penis II: Every sperm is sacred.... The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you? The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra, extra, extra long time. The Charmin Penis: Dont squeeze the penis The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be. The Oasis Penis: Thinks its the Beatles penis. The Windows 95Penis: If you ask it to do too much, itll crash. The Virginia Slims Penis: Youve come a long way, baby. The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman. The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand. The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop. The Payday Penis: Its almost totally nuts The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do the walkin. The Reeses Penis: How do you eat your penis? The Beavis Penis: Look It's changing color The Sustecal Penis : More protein, less fat The Downey Penis: Come on Downey. The Just For Men Penis: A sure thing for a natural look? The Milk Penis: It does a body good The Taco Bell Penis: It runs for the border. The Cinnamon Toast Crunch Penis: It's the adult thing to do? The AOL Penis: Its so easy to use, no wonder its #1? The Pontiac Penis: Built for kicks, Built for Keeps The Psychic Penis: It knows you are coming before you do. __________________ AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed e ven more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." __________________ A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Yup." "Where did he go?" "Your house." ------------------------- Q. How are women and tornadoes alike? A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. ------------ This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" -------------- A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" __________________ A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car." __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

08-04-2006, 07:15 AM	#391
Danre ahhh, I'm me again Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joo Ez Aay Posts: 14,434	lol at the penis-es __________________

08-10-2006, 06:29 AM	#394
tx3nc big or little, the size of the hole doesn't much matter Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 7,761	Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

08-11-2006, 04:46 AM	#397
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	Toward the end of church service, the Minister asked the congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" All held their hands except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweet heart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived all them cunt-ass bitches." --------------------------------- Three cowboys — from Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texas—are sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, “Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands.” The Arkansan replies, “Oh, yeah? Yesterday a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away.” The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis. __________________ __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

08-11-2006, 10:06 AM	#400
tx3nc big or little, the size of the hole doesn't much matter Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 7,761	White House Fence Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from Florida, another from Kentucky, and the third from DC. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $9,000.: $4,000. for materials, $4,000. for my crew and $1,000. profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.: $3,000. for materials, $3,000. for my crew and $1,000. profit for me." The DC contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy," the guy from DC explains, "$10,000. for you, $10,000. for me and we hire the guy from Kentucky."

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