Couple jokes to share - Page 3

FallenPhoenix · 08-15-2005, 06:31 PM

I never knew she was this funny

chipmunk · 08-15-2005, 11:43 PM

Faaip de Oiad · 08-16-2005, 04:57 AM

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?

Slap her.

chipmunk · 08-16-2005, 09:16 AM

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

chipmunk · 08-16-2005, 09:17 AM

In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breasts she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts--could he please do something to help her?
So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful.
When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she.
"Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do."
Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?

**DuckyBubbles05** · 08-16-2005, 10:19 AM

haha heard that one but love it!

Mach1Run · 08-17-2005, 05:43 AM

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the
married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man,
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and
grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG
FEET!!!!!!

UCBeau · 08-17-2005, 10:31 AM

LOL

Faaip de Oiad · 08-17-2005, 10:43 AM

What do you do when an epileptic has a siezure in your bath tub?

Toss in your laundry.

Mach1Run · 08-23-2005, 06:26 AM

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying
"Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he
decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5
bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples."
The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter -
that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly
apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other
side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are
great - give me some!"

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and
then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to
the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then
says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."

The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says,
"Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a
third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see
what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the
farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try
one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like
shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Mach1Run · 08-24-2005, 05:32 AM

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

-----------------------------------------

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought... but you're
wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.... but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

chipmunk · 08-24-2005, 10:52 AM

hahaha

Faaip de Oiad · 08-24-2005, 11:19 AM

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

To see the expression on its face.

Mach1Run · 08-26-2005, 05:26 PM

Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty! Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him:

"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the

door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you

sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room.

I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,

two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

----------------------------

Mach1Run · 09-14-2005, 06:59 AM

Sisters Inherit a Ranch

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly."

**DuckyBubbles05** · 09-14-2005, 08:14 AM

that was great!

FallenPhoenix · 09-14-2005, 08:15 AM

keep them coming!

dccphs · 09-14-2005, 12:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by duckybubbles05_friend

....i always thought this joke was awesome when i was little:

"DEATH BY BUNGA BUNGA!"

what kinda sick childhood did you have?!?!

Meghan · 09-17-2005, 02:05 AM

an awesome one duh!

oorah · 09-17-2005, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Faaip de Oiad

What'd Hellen Keller do when she fell off a cliff?

She screamed her hands off.

I love that one

fullmoon · 09-18-2005, 12:51 PM

here's a clean one

an old couple went to the doctor to get their annual check up. doctor comes in the room and tells them everything checked out ok and your in excellent health.the old lady says "ok doctor but the one problem we do have is we can't remember anything. so the doctor thought for a minute and said"i have an idea,why don't you just write things down you need to remember" the old couple said "that sounds like a great idea"

that night they were sitting watching tv and the old man said i'm going to the kitchen honey would you like something?the old lady said, sure could you get me a bowl of ice cream? old man said, sure i will honey and she said well aren't you going to write that down? old man said, no honey i'll remember that and she said, ok honey. then she said, why don't you put some chocolate on that to for me and he said, sure thing honey and she said, well aren't you going to write that down? and he said, no honey i'll remember that and she said, ok honey and come to think of it go ahead and puts some nuts on that to and he said, ok honey and she said well aren't you going to write that down? and he said, oh honey i'll remember that and she said, oh ok honey. so he goes to the kitchen

well about 20 minute later the old man comes back in the living room and hands her a plate with eggs and bacon on it and she looks at the plate then looks and him and looks at the plate again then looks at him and says "damn it honey you forgot the toast!"

fullmoon · 09-18-2005, 12:58 PM

a blonde was in front of walmart at the pop machine

she had 20 cans of coke stacked up next to her and was doing a silly dance everytime she pulled a coke out of the machine

I walked up to her and asked" what the hell are you doing?" and she said
"whats it look like, i'm winning!"

raged · 09-18-2005, 01:14 PM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to the grasshopper "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?". The grasshopper replied "Really?! you have a drink named Steve?"

Mach1Run · 09-21-2005, 05:26 AM

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for sixty years of bad sex." she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

---------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke
a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out, and
wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting
finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fk........Dude! How much water
did you drink?!"

-----------------------

A guy walks into a bar and sees this really pretty girl. He goes up to her and asks her name.

GIRL: "Carmen."
GUY: "That's a beautiful name, does it mean anything?"
GIRL: "I gave it to myself, it represents the two things I love most: cars and men. What's your name?"

GUY: "beerfuck"

---------------

I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently,

next to a blond woman who was engrossed in reading

her newspaper.

I noticed one of the headlines that blared:

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." I could see that

she shook her head at the sad news as she read

the article.

Then, suddenly she turned and asked,

"How many is a Brazilian?"

Mach1Run · 09-21-2005, 05:28 AM

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for sixty years of bad sex." she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference."

---------------

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke
a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into
the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side.
Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out, and
wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting
finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Fk........Dude! How much water
did you drink?!"

-----------------------

A guy walks into a bar and sees this really pretty girl. He goes up to her and asks her name.

GIRL: "Carmen."
GUY: "That's a beautiful name, does it mean anything?"
GIRL: "I gave it to myself, it represents the two things I love most: cars and men. What's your name?"

GUY: "beerfuck"

---------------

I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently,

next to a blond woman who was engrossed in reading

her newspaper.

I noticed one of the headlines that blared:

"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." I could see that

she shook her head at the sad news as she read

the article.

Then, suddenly she turned and asked,

"How many is a Brazilian?"

08-15-2005, 06:31 PM	#51
FallenPhoenix Blah blah blah final five blah blah Breakout Champion! Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: College Station Tx Posts: 8,628	I never knew she was this funny __________________ The views and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of DarkMesa, it's owners, or polar bears in general. rawr copyright 2006, phoenix Sinanym.com - My Blog Wiki40k.com - Warhammer 40k Wiki project

08-16-2005, 04:57 AM	#53
Faaip de Oiad Van Damme stole my appendix. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Md Posts: 14,026	What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? Slap her. __________________ The Life of Reilly

08-16-2005, 10:19 AM	#56
DuckyBubbles05 I'll pass on the knife fuck, thanks. Bejeweled Champion! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 9,516	haha heard that one but love it! __________________ ~Rebecca~

08-17-2005, 05:43 AM	#57
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. " Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!! __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

08-17-2005, 10:31 AM	#58
UCBeau Legendary Veteran Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: San Diego Posts: 8,602	LOL __________________ 01 Zinc Yellow Cobra Coupe 283 ci built motor s-trim/intercooler/snow kit

08-15-2005, 11:43 PM	#52
chipmunk Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Odessa,TX Posts: 77

08-16-2005, 09:16 AM	#54
chipmunk Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Odessa,TX Posts: 77	A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

08-16-2005, 09:17 AM	#55
chipmunk Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Odessa,TX Posts: 77	In this world God made Eve first and one day he came to the Garden to check on her. So he asks her how is everything going. Eve says everything is wonderful except one thing-the third breast he gave her it is a real pain in the ass. When she is playing with her breasts she only has two hands and when she is running she can only hold up two breasts--could he please do something to help her? So God says no problem-he reaches down and pulls the breast off and tosses it under a bush. Eve is very thankful. When God checks in on Eve a while later she is happy with her breasts but is lonely. She points out that all the animals have a partner to be with so why can't she. "Well," God says, "When I made you I used all the human parts I had there is nothing left to make a man with. I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do." Well, Eve says, what about the useless tit that you threw under the bush?

08-17-2005, 10:43 AM	#59
Faaip de Oiad Van Damme stole my appendix. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Md Posts: 14,026	What do you do when an epileptic has a siezure in your bath tub? Toss in your laundry. __________________ The Life of Reilly

08-23-2005, 06:26 AM	#60
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!" He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around!" __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

08-24-2005, 05:32 AM	#61
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again." ----------------------------------------- Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... but you're wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.... but you're wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong." __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

08-24-2005, 10:52 AM	#62
chipmunk Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Odessa,TX Posts: 77	hahaha

08-24-2005, 11:19 AM	#63
Faaip de Oiad Van Damme stole my appendix. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Md Posts: 14,026	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? To see the expression on its face. __________________ The Life of Reilly

08-26-2005, 05:26 PM	#64
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty! Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad...." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him: "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room. I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ---------------------------- __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

09-14-2005, 06:59 AM	#65
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	Sisters Inherit a Ranch Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write 'comfortable?'" The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. She'll read it slowly." __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT


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09-17-2005, 02:05 AM	#69
Meghan David tried PIITB to me but was denied due to sub par equipment Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: in a house Posts: 7,496	an awesome one duh! __________________ Meghan Life is like a dick; when it gets hard Fuck It.

09-14-2005, 08:14 AM	#66
DuckyBubbles05 I'll pass on the knife fuck, thanks. Bejeweled Champion! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 9,516	that was great! __________________ ~Rebecca~

09-14-2005, 08:15 AM	#67
FallenPhoenix Blah blah blah final five blah blah Breakout Champion! Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: College Station Tx Posts: 8,628	keep them coming! __________________ The views and opinions expressed above do not necessarily reflect those of DarkMesa, it's owners, or polar bears in general. rawr copyright 2006, phoenix Sinanym.com - My Blog Wiki40k.com - Warhammer 40k Wiki project

09-18-2005, 12:51 PM	#71
fullmoon Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 87	here's a clean one an old couple went to the doctor to get their annual check up. doctor comes in the room and tells them everything checked out ok and your in excellent health.the old lady says "ok doctor but the one problem we do have is we can't remember anything. so the doctor thought for a minute and said"i have an idea,why don't you just write things down you need to remember" the old couple said "that sounds like a great idea" that night they were sitting watching tv and the old man said i'm going to the kitchen honey would you like something?the old lady said, sure could you get me a bowl of ice cream? old man said, sure i will honey and she said well aren't you going to write that down? old man said, no honey i'll remember that and she said, ok honey. then she said, why don't you put some chocolate on that to for me and he said, sure thing honey and she said, well aren't you going to write that down? and he said, no honey i'll remember that and she said, ok honey and come to think of it go ahead and puts some nuts on that to and he said, ok honey and she said well aren't you going to write that down? and he said, oh honey i'll remember that and she said, oh ok honey. so he goes to the kitchen well about 20 minute later the old man comes back in the living room and hands her a plate with eggs and bacon on it and she looks at the plate then looks and him and looks at the plate again then looks at him and says "damn it honey you forgot the toast!"

09-18-2005, 12:58 PM	#72
fullmoon Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 87	a blonde was in front of walmart at the pop machine she had 20 cans of coke stacked up next to her and was doing a silly dance everytime she pulled a coke out of the machine I walked up to her and asked" what the hell are you doing?" and she said "whats it look like, i'm winning!"

09-18-2005, 01:14 PM	#73
raged I like guys who eat meat. Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,059	A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to the grasshopper "Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?". The grasshopper replied "Really?! you have a drink named Steve?" __________________ Peace, Love, and Television.

09-21-2005, 05:26 AM	#74
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for sixty years of bad sex." she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference." --------------- A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fk........Dude! How much water did you drink?!" ----------------------- A guy walks into a bar and sees this really pretty girl. He goes up to her and asks her name. GIRL: "Carmen." GUY: "That's a beautiful name, does it mean anything?" GIRL: "I gave it to myself, it represents the two things I love most: cars and men. What's your name?" GUY: "beerfuck" --------------- I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blond woman who was engrossed in reading her newspaper. I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." I could see that she shook her head at the sad news as she read the article. Then, suddenly she turned and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?" __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

09-21-2005, 05:28 AM	#75
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins. "Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells. "That's for sixty years of bad sex." she replies. A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins. "Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??" The husband looks at her and says, "That's for knowing the difference." --------------- A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink. The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fk........Dude! How much water did you drink?!" ----------------------- A guy walks into a bar and sees this really pretty girl. He goes up to her and asks her name. GIRL: "Carmen." GUY: "That's a beautiful name, does it mean anything?" GIRL: "I gave it to myself, it represents the two things I love most: cars and men. What's your name?" GUY: "beerfuck" --------------- I was sitting at the counter in a diner recently, next to a blond woman who was engrossed in reading her newspaper. I noticed one of the headlines that blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." I could see that she shook her head at the sad news as she read the article. Then, suddenly she turned and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?" __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

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