Eddy

I'm watching Happy Feet on HBO

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-Eddy

(\__/) This is bunny. Copy and paste bunny
(='.'=) into your signature to help him gain
(")_(") world domination.

grendel

i saw it a few weeks ago it was ok

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stangman

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet.' said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing!

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him or should I?'

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Charlie

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither & lose both.

-Benjamin Franklin

ReyRey

oldie but a goodie!

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Hamburglar

I give it a 6-7/10

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DuckyBubbles05

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~Rebecca~

Mach1Run

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

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Jon


433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD)
CLICK for Kate's Story
Click to Listen

• Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX.
  

My 2007 GT

Flash!

That's just horrible.

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Rowbarre

i loled at that one... haha

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madmatt

Why cant ghosts have babies?







because the have a halloweenie!

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Rowbarre

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Hamburglar

so a black kid dies and goes to heaven. Up there god gives him wings and the boy says "Oh boy! Am I an angel?!" Then god says "No nigga, you a bat. Happy Halloween"

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ReyRey

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B00STED4V

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross
the street when a little girl on her new
shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa
bring it to you?"

"Yes Sir" the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to
put a reflector light on the back of it." !

The young girl looked up at the cop and
said, "Nice horse you've got there, Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?"

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled
and answered "Yes, he sure did!!!"

The little girl looked up at the cop and
said, "Next year, tell Santa the dick
goes underneath the horse, not on top."

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madmatt

brahahahahahaha

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DuckyBubbles05

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~Rebecca~

madmatt

GOOD
A Bloomington , IL policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Peoria, IL . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, 'Illinois State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

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ReyRey

An 88 yr old virgin went to the doctor and told him she had crabs. Doc said "No dear, those are fruit flies. Your cherry has rotted!"

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madmatt

thats disgusting reyrey

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ReyRey

haha those were my thoughts when my friend jeff texted that to me

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tx3nc

What did one snowman say to the other?































I smell carrots.

madmatt

How to catch a 37 lb salmon

Step One: Decide to go fishing less than 14 hours after major reconstructive maxio-facial surgery. This step is vital, as it will hone the reflexes and mind, making decision making much more efficient.

Step Two: With surgical packing in place, and your face swollen horribly, and pain of considerable magnitude your constant companion, wade chest deep into the river. At this point you will discover your waders have a split seam at the crotch. Slogging along with ice cold water filling your waders to the crotch, each leg with over 15 pounds of water provides an excellent workout.

Step Three: After 5.5- 6 hours, hook a salmon. Realize you have 17 pound test line on your reel, and thus you will have to play the fish carefully to avoid snapping the line. Spend over an hour slogging over 2 miles along the river while the salmon does it’s level best to make it all the way back to the Lake.

Step Four:
After an hour or so, both you and the fish will be exhausted. With much cursing and struggling, manage to get salmon into the shallows, where you can see it is huge and VERY determined to return to the deeper part of the river.

Step Five:

Having reached a state of muscle quivering, gasping exhaustion, slide the wader suspenders from your shoulders with one hand, holding the rod in the other, letting the salmon gain several meters of “ground” toward the deeper part of the river. When the weight of the water pulls the waders down around your ankles, discover you are wearing sweat pants, which are saturated and have also been dragged down around your ankles.
Realize you are not wearing underwear, and you are now flashing any and everyone. Try to grab your sweat pants and pull them up, It is at this exact moment the salmon will experience a burst of energy, and head towards the deep water with such force and speed that the line , stretched and tortured beyond it’s limit, snaps.

Step Six:

Disregard your state of undress, grab the folding knife in your sweat pant pockets ( down around your knees now) with one hand,snap open blade and –launch- yourself, waddling as fast as possible with legs splayed to keep the waders and sweats from tangling towards the salmon whilst wrapping bare line around your other hand. As it saws through your skin and hangs up on bone, it will aid you in retaining the salmon; twenty four stitches will repair the minor damage later... Jump on the salmon, stabbing it thr0ugh the gill plate ( gotta be legal here! ) and hold on for dear life whilst sensitive bits of anatomy are dragging over sharp rocks and gravel as you wrestle the salmon towards shore.

Step Seven:
After reaching shore with waders now hanging by one foot, sweat pants ripped beyond any hope of service, explain to the nice DNR agent that, no, you have not been intentionally committing “indecent exposure” While pulling on waders to cover your nudity.. Show the salmon, now flopping feebly, pointing out that the knife is in the gill plate and the lure still hangs from the mouth, thus a “legal” catch. Ask the ever-helpful agent to cite the exact rule or law that says a knife can not be used to land a salmon. Explain further that, no, the heavy bleeding from your mouth is not an injury, it’s from surgery. The numerous scratches, cuts and bruises from wrestling with the salmon are best ignored at this point.

When the agent is busy laughing, state you are going to get a pair of pants from your vehicle. CASUALLY take the salmon and your pole with you. When reaching your car, .. leave as fast as possible.

That’s how you catch a 37 pound salmon.

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madmatt

6 Navy SEALS, one Inflatable Boat, Small, and a hammerhead

Ok.. this was a few years back. Myself and five other Navy SEALs ( read crazy MoFos) decide to ..erm.. borrow.. an IBS ( Inflatable Boat; Small . ), and go do some fishing. We loaded up with poles, bait, etc and enough booze to keep the boat afloat should the ocean suddenly go dry. Thus equipped, and not a single one of us having any idea what the hell we are doing, we headed out.

After several hours, we had caught a few barracuda and depleted the alcohol provisions considerably, one of us got the Bright Idea (tm) of using the 'cuda as bait for something larger. Never mind the fact we are in what amounts to a rubber raft without a motor. Disregard the fact that there is barely enough room for the six of us. It is of no importance that five of the six of us were more than slightly intoxicated. ( I’m an animal rarer than hen’s teeth: a non-drinking Navy SEAL or, rather, was at the time ) All six of us were young and stupid.

About an hour or so in, S1’s pole suddenly yanks from betwixt his knees and flies overboard seemingly of it’s own accord. We immediately surmise something BIG must have taken his bait, and that he had left the bail closed. For some reason this seemed incredibly funny. The rest of us re-bait with ‘cuda, making sure we had heavy leaders designed for shark on our line: we weren’t completely stupid.

S3 gets a hit, his line spooled out a few tens of meters, then stopped. Dead. He figures whatever it is that took the bait must have escaped, so he starts to real in to re-bait. A few cranks of the reel, and the pole nearly rips from his hands. Bracing himself, with S2 and S5 doing their best to hold the damnfool in the boat S3 holds on for dear life, and everyone else shouts encouragement.

Now, keep in mind we were young and stupid, eight foot tall and bulletproof. Especially stupid. ~wry grin~

What none of us thought of at the time was that the shark, for such it surely was, could tow our boat. During the next 90 minutes or so S3 fights the shark with S2 and S5 spelling him as needed, while the rest of us paddle in the opposite direction in a half-assed fashion. . We also failed to take into account the fact that the shark would not tow us in a straight line, instead changing directions numerous times.

Finally, the shark, which proved to a 125-130 pound hammerhead, is hauled in close enough to be dispatched. Five us us unload into the shark.

Let’s review for a moment, shall we? We have one sober but stupid and five drunk SEALs in a small inflatable craft in the middle of the damned pacific ocean. We have a hammer head shark with numerous bullet holes in it’s head, but still very much alive and exceedingly pissed off.

After what seemed like forever, the shark appeared to die, laying alongside , still hooked. After struggling mightily, we manage to get it aboard without anyone loosing any important bits. It’s about then we realized four things:

1: We had not idea where in the hell we were

2: Somehow the boat had acquired several small punctures, just about the size of the hooks we were using, in fact.

3: “Dead” sharks can bite.

4: the bottom of an IBS is not shark-bite proof, nor is the sidewall

Long story short, we wound up making it back with four of us hanging onto the side of the boat , which was about 40% inflated on one sidewall, zero inflation in the floor making the shark and the floor of the boat hang low in the water At least, that’s how the
Coast Guard found us, about a mile from shore.

The worst part, of course, being that the CG “rescued” SEALS, even though we refused, as a point of honor, to BE “rescued. The just HAD to radio in and, worse by far, escort us back to port.

We all wound up with a severe dressing-down ( for a few minutes I honestly thought the Old Man was going to burst an artery ), had some creative punishments, and lost a week's pay for the damage to the IBS, etc.
To this day, we still catch shit over it, and that was wa-a-a-a-y too damn many YEARS ago.

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timeless2

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied, "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."



We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. Again my wife quietly said, “That’s three times.” Then, my wife quietly removed her revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you crazy!?"



She looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

And from that moment..... "we have lived happily every after."

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Ford Mustang | MagnaFlow Exhaust | Mustang Apparel | Toy Reviews & Recalls

madmatt

Jerry Clower jokes ftw!

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