cockpit convos.

YoungGun · 12-10-2005, 07:55 PM

The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers around the world, conversations from the cockpit that airline
passengers normally will never hear.

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

-
“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

-
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m
f…ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

-
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is
a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, outbound.”

United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got the
little Fokker in sight.”

-
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was
your last known position?”

Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

-
A DC10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make
a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you
are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at
the lights and return to the airport.”

-
There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single engine jet fighter was running “a bit
peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number
two, behind a B52 that had one engine shut down.

“Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine
approach.”

-
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was
the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained
the flight attendant.

“It took us a while to find a new pilot.”

-
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in
English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane, in a beautiful English accent:
“Because you lost the bloody war.”

-
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7″

Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway.”

Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”

-
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC8 landed. The DC8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quickwitted comedian in the DC8 crew got on the radio and said, “What
a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: “I made it out of DC8 parts. Another landing like
yours, and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

-
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway .”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One Seven.”

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location
now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you
not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I
didn’t land.”

-
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are
you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You’ve
turned right onto Delta. Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for
you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I
tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and
I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground
control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.”

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

Chad

Roman_Numeral_2 · 12-10-2005, 08:17 PM

Hahaha, nice. Germany got owned.

JonJon · 12-10-2005, 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Roman_Numeral_2

Hahaha, nice. Germany got owned.

hhaha true

UCBeau · 12-10-2005, 09:38 PM

you hear funnies all the time while you're flying

pacgreen46 · 12-10-2005, 09:45 PM

I like the last one the best

snake109 · 12-11-2005, 12:29 AM

im fuckin bored

Mach1Run · 12-11-2005, 12:34 AM

i like the 2nd to last the best.

Danre · 12-11-2005, 07:55 AM

some good ones in there

**DuckyBubbles05** · 12-11-2005, 07:55 AM

haha yea those are good

**Flash!** · 12-11-2005, 09:23 AM

Hehe he said cock

12-10-2005, 07:55 PM	#1
YoungGun Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Fort Lauderdale, Fl Posts: 5,573	cockpit convos. The following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world, conversations from the cockpit that airline passengers normally will never hear. Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!” - “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.” “Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?” - From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!” - O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, outbound.” United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.” - A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?” Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.” - A DC10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.” - There’s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.” - Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What, exactly, was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant. “It took us a while to find a new pilot.” - A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?” Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.” Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?” Unknown voice from another plane, in a beautiful English accent: “Because you lost the bloody war.” - Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″ Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?” Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.” - One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC8 landed. The DC8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quickwitted comedian in the DC8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC8 parts. Another landing like yours, and I’ll have enough parts for another one.” - The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway .” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?” Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn’t land.” - While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You’ve turned right onto Delta. Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?” “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.” Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?” Chad __________________ 99 Pontiac Transam 6.0/4l80E strange 9" 4.11 gears, full susp

12-10-2005, 09:38 PM	#4
UCBeau Legendary Veteran Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: San Diego Posts: 8,602	you hear funnies all the time while you're flying __________________ 01 Zinc Yellow Cobra Coupe 283 ci built motor s-trim/intercooler/snow kit

12-10-2005, 09:45 PM	#5
pacgreen46 Legendary Veteran Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Knoxville, TN Posts: 496	I like the last one the best __________________ Only 2 things smell like fish, and one of them ain't fish!

12-11-2005, 12:29 AM	#6
snake109 Legendary Veteran Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: houston, tx Posts: 413	im fuckin bored __________________ 01 Ford Mustang GT vert 84 Mercedes Benz 190E 2.3 AMG EuroSpec "The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, i bet your still hitting those brakes"

12-11-2005, 12:34 AM	#7
Mach1Run the court jester Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Wylie, Texas Posts: 5,535	i like the 2nd to last the best. __________________ Jon 433 RWHP / 439 TQ (STD) CLICK for Kate's Story Click to Listen Eaton Swap, T56 Transmission, MGW Short Shifter, Chrome 17x9 and 17x10.5 FR500s, Eibach Sportlines, Steeda CC plates, SLP Linelock, Cobra Skirts, Wing Removed, Bassani O/R X and catback. Tune and swap done by Gearheads Performance in Arlington, TX. My 2007 GT

12-10-2005, 08:17 PM	#2
Roman_Numeral_2 Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: KC Posts: 544	Hahaha, nice. Germany got owned.

12-11-2005, 07:55 AM	#8
Danre ahhh, I'm me again Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Joo Ez Aay Posts: 14,434	some good ones in there __________________

12-11-2005, 07:55 AM	#9
DuckyBubbles05 I'll pass on the knife fuck, thanks. Bejeweled Champion! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 9,516	haha yea those are good __________________ ~Rebecca~

12-11-2005, 09:23 AM	#10
Flash! With a baseball bat! Hexxagon Champion! Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: MY OWN FUCKING HOUSE in a tourist infested swampland aka Orlando Posts: 21,150	Hehe he said cock __________________ teh brian

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