Worst Wedding Ever

**stang_lover69** · 12-06-2006, 03:03 PM

Found this posted on a wedding forum i'm on...Quite entertaining.

"i don't know if this counts because there was no actual wedding, but this was hands down the most traumatic thing i've witnessed:

this had to be about 9 years ago. my ex & i were getting ready to go to his cousin's wedding. his cousin had been dating this guy, a doctor, no less, for 10 years and they were finally getting married. she was a circuit court judge, i think 35 years old, but still lived at home w/ her parents. (i know... i know). but she was waiting on her man to go ahead and live her life and this is what she got for it.

she should have known sht was ill because 3 days before the wedding, she snapped her achille's tendon and had to wear a bigass cast & boot thing on her leg.

the morning of the wedding, my ex's mom called my apt all in a tizzy. she was so glad she caught us because the wedding was off.

*gasp* what??

this is the story she told me. i swear i will never forget it.

the night before the wedding, bride was home doing whatever is is brides do the night before (i drank and watched jackie chan movies the night before mine... but anyway) when there was a knock on mama's door. her mother went to answer it. it was the mothafvkcing DEA.

like Drug Enforcement Agency, DEA.

anyway, they came to talk to Bride out of professional courtesy, her being a judge and all. her FI was actually a drug dealer that they'd been keeping an eye on. what she thought was his name was actually his dead father's name. the dude had been living a whole nother life, complete w/ another GF and a kid!!!

they advised bride that if they tried to leave the country on their honeymoon, they would be arrested in the airport. now, this is pre-9/11, so you know it had to be something special for them to raise a ruckus like that back then.

anyway, they told bride all of this. mama apparently had some kind of panic attack and bride instantly broke out in giant hives all over her face. and then she went kookoo.

the woman thanked the agents, got her mother together, steamed her dress, confirmed her hairdresser appt. for the next day and went to bed.

as far as she was concerned, they was still getting married.

last time, our bride took a short leave of reality

anyway, the next day, bride woke up, got her hair done and was in the process of getting dressed when her MOH found a note in the front door. it was from the FI. he was basically like, "yo, i'm out. don't bother looking for me. peace."

ex's mom (who is bride's aunt) high tailed it over to the church where the ceremony was supposed to be. she and MOB put up signs saying the sht was cancelled.

and now, believe it or not, is where the tragedy begins!!

after my ex & i got off the phone and picked our faces up off the floor, we got another call from his mom. she sounded confused as hell, but she told us the bride still wanted to have her reception, since her parents had put all these deposits down and there were all these OOT guests. would we still come?

hooo, boy.

this was my ex's favorite cousin and she'd always been nice to me, so i was like, "ehhhhhh... we should.... uhhhh". after much deliberation, we sucked it up and went.

it was a very nice country club. they had DJ and a band, cake, the whole slabs-o-meat cutting stations, open bar... everything. if the funereal pall wasn't over everything, it would have been fun. and a lot of people came anyway, excluding his side of the family, of course.

the undercover agents dispersed throughout the room didn't help the mood, either. i guess they thought the FI would show up anyway.

so after about an hour of people milling around uncomfortably, the bride finally showed up. y'all, the girl looked insane. face all broke out to sht. hair only done on one side, with sprigs of wilted baby's breath tangled in it. big ol' crutch-boot and big black sackcloth of a dress. she had taken a valium and was half zombified. she smiled at a couple people and headed straight for the bar. somehow i got snagged to go with her and i just sat there watching her down gin and tonics like water.

this went on for a couple of hours, but it felt like days. they served food, but no one wanted to eat. at some point, the bride threw the cake out one of the windows.
the MOH, who was just drunk and stank, demanded the DJ play some dancing music. then she angrily started herding people onto the dancefloor. it was like dance or die in there!

then the DJ played "i will survive". holy jesus, why did he do that. by then the bride and the MOH were ripshtty plastered. the MOH snatched the mike from the DJ and hurled it to the bride. she started belting out "i will survive" at the top of her lungs. then she climbed her crippledass up onto a table and was twirling around like a dervish.

of course she lost her balance and fell off. i admit, at the time, i almost chewed my face off trying not to laugh, even though it was just awful to watch.

if you're anything like me, you're still laughing about homegirl falling off the table. it's ok. the sht was funny.

anyway, she was so bent she didn't even flinch; she just hopped up and kept on singing. y'all, she made the DJ play the song over and over again for a full hour. i'm so not kidding. it was hilarious and terrible all at the same time.

another tragic moment: i was trying to escape to the bathroom for a second to collect myself when i saw FOB sitting at a table, signing checks and shaking his head in dismay. i felt so bad for the man; all this money and she's STILL not out of the house.

i'm not sure how long they paid for, but it felt like we were stuck there for days. and anytime someone tried to leave, the bride would have a fvkcing fit and beg them to stay. old women were passing out from exhaustion. children were hiding under tables in terror. eventually, though, the venue finally shut it down. we thought that was our chance to escape.

no. she wanted to move the party back to her parents' house. all family had to go.

so about 100 people were stuffed up in this split level single family house. all the men were standing around talking about how they were gonna beat the dude'sass when (if) they find him. all the women were consoling the bride and talking about men not being sht.

meanwhile, my ex & i were just standing in a corner trying to find an escape route. but the btch was everywhere and she would not let anyone leave! i was like, "she's had about 7 gallons of gin! why hasn't she passed out!!"

a lot of that night is a blur to me. i think we finally broke out at about 4 in the morning. i couldn't talk for a full 24 hours after that mess and i didn't go to another wedding for 3 years.

as far as i know, Bride is still not married and still living at home. and she's got to be in her mid-40's by now. they never did find the FI, but DEA told her that he was wanted in connection with some big time coke stuff. he had assumed his dead father's identity; when he was telling Bride that he was at work, he was living w/ his other GF and kid.

obviously she's one of the dumbest btches alive, since he managed to keep this sht up for TEN FREAKIN' YEARS.

whew. i'd forgotten about that. i know it sounds crazy, but i'm not making any of it up. and i'm sure there are other details i've forgotten over time. "

cleric · 12-06-2006, 03:36 PM

wow long read

but funny

grendel · 12-06-2006, 06:17 PM

haha. that is fucked up

Ponyboyisaac · 12-06-2006, 06:39 PM

yep long read but crazy as hell, poor lady sheesh!

**DuckyBubbles05** · 12-06-2006, 07:32 PM

long but definitely worth the read!

**madmatt** · 12-06-2006, 09:41 PM

Wow. Simply. Wow.

legacy191 · 12-06-2006, 10:40 PM

I just don't know what to say....

Tony T

**Rowbarre** · 12-06-2006, 10:48 PM

thats fucking amazing

tx3nc · 12-07-2006, 04:59 AM

"at some point, the bride threw the cake out one of the windows. "

Meghan · 12-07-2006, 05:16 AM

lol that made me giggle....i cant believe he was able to keep it up for 10 years without her knowing....

**madmatt** · 12-07-2006, 06:11 AM

I meant to post this yesterday, but does anyone else feel like a wedding someone from DM would attend

Faaip de Oiad · 12-07-2006, 06:14 AM

Poor Dad.

**FreeBird** · 12-07-2006, 08:02 AM

/\ didnt read any of that

**stang_lover69** · 12-07-2006, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madmatt

I meant to post this yesterday, but does anyone else feel like a wedding someone from DM would attend

i promise you, it wont be our wedding

**madmatt** · 12-07-2006, 08:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang_lover69

i promise you, it wont be our wedding

Oh I know.

**stang_lover69** · 12-07-2006, 08:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madmatt

Oh I know.

she may have acted a lil differently if she had paid for the wedding herself. but seriously....why would you humiliate yourself anymore by having the reception.

**madmatt** · 12-07-2006, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stang_lover69

she may have acted a lil differently if she had paid for the wedding herself. but seriously....why would you humiliate yourself anymore by having the reception.

She was

I do believe.

Meghan · 12-07-2006, 09:37 AM

on this one...

pinski · 12-07-2006, 01:15 PM

That's funny as hell. Messed up, but funny as hell...

Reminded me of another (old) wedding funny:

Quote:

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests.After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talkto the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope.

He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride.(He had gotten suspicious of the two of themand hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you !" he then turned to the bride and said "Fuck you !" and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said....."Thanks, I'm out of here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters,grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc....Ya gotta love this guy.

302 coupe · 12-07-2006, 01:49 PM

+1 brazillion man points for the dood.

-1^infinity smart points for the dumb slut in the first post.

Ponyboyisaac · 12-07-2006, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinski

That's funny as hell. Messed up, but funny as hell...

Reminded me of another (old) wedding funny:

Wow just wow, that had to be the sweetest revenge ever!

**DuckyBubbles05** · 12-07-2006, 02:43 PM

wow...that one's even funnier!!!

**stang_lover69** · 12-07-2006, 02:47 PM

this is hilarious....i line dance to this song when i go to the country bar but would never play it at the wedding

"went to a wedding last sat where no one was dancing and the dj put on BRIDES request....."stroke it" i have no idea who sings it, but she grabbed the mic and danced and sang while everyone watched jaw on the floor.

most memorable part.... the time when the lyrics said:

"If I'm too loose you can stick it up my A***" and bride turned around and bends over. this was followed by two kegs being pulled onto the dance floor and the bride and groom doing "the first keg stand."

classy, very classy. i recommend it to all"

IllusionI8 · 12-07-2006, 11:16 PM

poor woman... ten wasted years..

and to the guy with the photos.. damn.. making the parents pay 32000 for their daughters problem.. that sux..

Faaip de Oiad · 12-08-2006, 05:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IllusionI8

poor woman... ten wasted years..

and to the guy with the photos.. damn.. making the parents pay 32000 for their daughters problem.. that sux..

Update?

12-06-2006, 03:03 PM	#1
stang_lover69 *the polarbear conservation corps protects a classy* polarbear cutie meeting a polarbear homie straight outa compton and sharing klondike bars** Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gresham, OR Posts: 16,335	Worst Wedding Ever Found this posted on a wedding forum i'm on...Quite entertaining. "i don't know if this counts because there was no actual wedding, but this was hands down the most traumatic thing i've witnessed: this had to be about 9 years ago. my ex & i were getting ready to go to his cousin's wedding. his cousin had been dating this guy, a doctor, no less, for 10 years and they were finally getting married. she was a circuit court judge, i think 35 years old, but still lived at home w/ her parents. (i know... i know). but she was waiting on her man to go ahead and live her life and this is what she got for it. she should have known sht was ill because 3 days before the wedding, she snapped her achille's tendon and had to wear a bigass cast & boot thing on her leg. the morning of the wedding, my ex's mom called my apt all in a tizzy. she was so glad she caught us because the wedding was off. gasp what?? this is the story she told me. i swear i will never forget it. the night before the wedding, bride was home doing whatever is is brides do the night before (i drank and watched jackie chan movies the night before mine... but anyway) when there was a knock on mama's door. her mother went to answer it. it was the mothafvkcing DEA. like Drug Enforcement Agency, DEA. anyway, they came to talk to Bride out of professional courtesy, her being a judge and all. her FI was actually a drug dealer that they'd been keeping an eye on. what she thought was his name was actually his dead father's name. the dude had been living a whole nother life, complete w/ another GF and a kid!!! they advised bride that if they tried to leave the country on their honeymoon, they would be arrested in the airport. now, this is pre-9/11, so you know it had to be something special for them to raise a ruckus like that back then. anyway, they told bride all of this. mama apparently had some kind of panic attack and bride instantly broke out in giant hives all over her face. and then she went kookoo. the woman thanked the agents, got her mother together, steamed her dress, confirmed her hairdresser appt. for the next day and went to bed. as far as she was concerned, they was still getting married. last time, our bride took a short leave of reality anyway, the next day, bride woke up, got her hair done and was in the process of getting dressed when her MOH found a note in the front door. it was from the FI. he was basically like, "yo, i'm out. don't bother looking for me. peace." ex's mom (who is bride's aunt) high tailed it over to the church where the ceremony was supposed to be. she and MOB put up signs saying the sht was cancelled. and now, believe it or not, is where the tragedy begins!! after my ex & i got off the phone and picked our faces up off the floor, we got another call from his mom. she sounded confused as hell, but she told us the bride still wanted to have her reception, since her parents had put all these deposits down and there were all these OOT guests. would we still come? hooo, boy. this was my ex's favorite cousin and she'd always been nice to me, so i was like, "ehhhhhh... we should.... uhhhh". after much deliberation, we sucked it up and went. it was a very nice country club. they had DJ and a band, cake, the whole slabs-o-meat cutting stations, open bar... everything. if the funereal pall wasn't over everything, it would have been fun. and a lot of people came anyway, excluding his side of the family, of course. the undercover agents dispersed throughout the room didn't help the mood, either. i guess they thought the FI would show up anyway. so after about an hour of people milling around uncomfortably, the bride finally showed up. y'all, the girl looked insane. face all broke out to sht. hair only done on one side, with sprigs of wilted baby's breath tangled in it. big ol' crutch-boot and big black sackcloth of a dress. she had taken a valium and was half zombified. she smiled at a couple people and headed straight for the bar. somehow i got snagged to go with her and i just sat there watching her down gin and tonics like water. this went on for a couple of hours, but it felt like days. they served food, but no one wanted to eat. at some point, the bride threw the cake out one of the windows. the MOH, who was just drunk and stank, demanded the DJ play some dancing music. then she angrily started herding people onto the dancefloor. it was like dance or die in there! then the DJ played "i will survive". holy jesus, why did he do that. by then the bride and the MOH were ripshtty plastered. the MOH snatched the mike from the DJ and hurled it to the bride. she started belting out "i will survive" at the top of her lungs. then she climbed her crippledass up onto a table and was twirling around like a dervish. of course she lost her balance and fell off. i admit, at the time, i almost chewed my face off trying not to laugh, even though it was just awful to watch. if you're anything like me, you're still laughing about homegirl falling off the table. it's ok. the sht was funny. anyway, she was so bent she didn't even flinch; she just hopped up and kept on singing. y'all, she made the DJ play the song over and over again for a full hour. i'm so not kidding. it was hilarious and terrible all at the same time. another tragic moment: i was trying to escape to the bathroom for a second to collect myself when i saw FOB sitting at a table, signing checks and shaking his head in dismay. i felt so bad for the man; all this money and she's STILL not out of the house. i'm not sure how long they paid for, but it felt like we were stuck there for days. and anytime someone tried to leave, the bride would have a fvkcing fit and beg them to stay. old women were passing out from exhaustion. children were hiding under tables in terror. eventually, though, the venue finally shut it down. we thought that was our chance to escape. no. she wanted to move the party back to her parents' house. all family had to go. so about 100 people were stuffed up in this split level single family house. all the men were standing around talking about how they were gonna beat the dude'sass when (if) they find him. all the women were consoling the bride and talking about men not being sht. meanwhile, my ex & i were just standing in a corner trying to find an escape route. but the btch was everywhere and she would not let anyone leave! i was like, "she's had about 7 gallons of gin! why hasn't she passed out!!" a lot of that night is a blur to me. i think we finally broke out at about 4 in the morning. i couldn't talk for a full 24 hours after that mess and i didn't go to another wedding for 3 years. as far as i know, Bride is still not married and still living at home. and she's got to be in her mid-40's by now. they never did find the FI, but DEA told her that he was wanted in connection with some big time coke stuff. he had assumed his dead father's identity; when he was telling Bride that he was at work, he was living w/ his other GF and kid. obviously she's one of the dumbest btches alive, since he managed to keep this sht up for TEN FREAKIN' YEARS. whew. i'd forgotten about that. i know it sounds crazy, but i'm not making any of it up. and i'm sure there are other details i've forgotten over time. " __________________ The Dond (\__/) This is bunny. Copy and paste bunny (='.'=) into your signature to help him gain (")_(") world domination.

12-06-2006, 03:36 PM	#2
cleric el presidente! Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 5,264	wow long read but funny __________________

12-06-2006, 06:17 PM	#3
grendel (>")> <("<) Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: tx Posts: 3,890	haha. that is fucked up __________________

12-06-2006, 06:39 PM	#4
Ponyboyisaac Come on...Look at my KB....PLEEEASE!!! Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,081	yep long read but crazy as hell, poor lady sheesh! __________________ Isaac Screw it with Kenne Bell 01 Kenne bell blown GT 388rwhp 401rwtq

12-06-2006, 07:32 PM	#5
DuckyBubbles05 I'll pass on the knife fuck, thanks. Bejeweled Champion! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 9,516	long but definitely worth the read! __________________ ~Rebecca~

12-06-2006, 10:40 PM	#7
legacy191 Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Flat land next to a pond Posts: 1,978	I just don't know what to say.... Tony T __________________ Black and very fast! Red and very BIG!!

12-06-2006, 10:48 PM	#8
Rowbarre Doesn't give blow jobs, and that's a good thing! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Lawrence, Kansas Posts: 3,705	thats fucking amazing __________________

12-07-2006, 04:59 AM	#9
tx3nc big or little, the size of the hole doesn't much matter Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 7,761	"at some point, the bride threw the cake out one of the windows. "

12-07-2006, 05:16 AM	#10
Meghan David tried PIITB to me but was denied due to sub par equipment Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: in a house Posts: 7,496	lol that made me giggle....i cant believe he was able to keep it up for 10 years without her knowing.... __________________ Meghan Life is like a dick; when it gets hard Fuck It.

12-07-2006, 06:14 AM	#12
Faaip de Oiad Van Damme stole my appendix. Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Md Posts: 14,026	Poor Dad. __________________ The Life of Reilly

12-07-2006, 09:37 AM	#18
Meghan David tried PIITB to me but was denied due to sub par equipment Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: in a house Posts: 7,496	on this one... __________________ Meghan Life is like a dick; when it gets hard Fuck It.

12-07-2006, 01:49 PM	#20
302 coupe My butt is exit only! Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: at work Posts: 854	+1 brazillion man points for the dood. -1^infinity smart points for the dumb slut in the first post.

12-07-2006, 02:43 PM	#22
DuckyBubbles05 I'll pass on the knife fuck, thanks. Bejeweled Champion! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Kansas City, Missouri Posts: 9,516	wow...that one's even funnier!!! __________________ ~Rebecca~

12-07-2006, 02:47 PM	#23
stang_lover69 *the polarbear conservation corps protects a classy* polarbear cutie meeting a polarbear homie straight outa compton and sharing klondike bars** Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Gresham, OR Posts: 16,335	this is hilarious....i line dance to this song when i go to the country bar but would never play it at the wedding "went to a wedding last sat where no one was dancing and the dj put on BRIDES request....."stroke it" i have no idea who sings it, but she grabbed the mic and danced and sang while everyone watched jaw on the floor. most memorable part.... the time when the lyrics said: "If I'm too loose you can stick it up my A***" and bride turned around and bends over. this was followed by two kegs being pulled onto the dance floor and the bride and groom doing "the first keg stand." classy, very classy. i recommend it to all" __________________ The Dond (\__/) This is bunny. Copy and paste bunny (='.'=) into your signature to help him gain (")_(") world domination.

12-07-2006, 11:16 PM	#24
IllusionI8 Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: in a house of doors and windows Posts: 717	poor woman... ten wasted years.. and to the guy with the photos.. damn.. making the parents pay 32000 for their daughters problem.. that sux..


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